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While many people view shyness as a problem, you must remember that shyness is actually a personality characteristic and should not be viewed as a flaw. And keep in mind that shy children often have very likable qualities. They’re often nice, well-behaved and good listeners.

The way your child perceives shyness will depend mostly on your responses. If you accept your child’s personality and don’t focus on shyness as a problem, your child will be matter of fact about shyness – and not view it as a weakness. Instead, your child will see herself/himself as able to do and enjoy the same things other children do. A shy child who is not taught that something is wrong, will be just as confident, happy and involved as his/her more outgoing friends.

Your job as a parent is to accept your child and to help your child find activities and situations that make your child feel good. And while you may be convinced that your child will always be shy, it’s hard to predict the paths a child will take. Some children who are shy as young children, become less so as they get older.

Problem: Temper tantrums are part of normal development. Typically temper tantrums happen between 18 months and 2 1/2 years, with screaming, crying, thrashing and kicking or by shouting, “I want this!” Temper tantrums happen when toddlers become frustrated and don’t have the verbal ability to express themselves or the cognitive maturity to understand why they can’t get what they want at the moment. The good news is that in the scheme of development, this is a short-lived phase, one you can certainly get through, especially with some understanding and a few pointers.

Strategies: If you work at figuring out how to prevent a temper tantrum and how to deal with tantrums when they happen, your preparation will pay off. Try to have reasonable expectations for these ages and keep things simple.

Do try figuring out what causes your child to have a temper tantrum and then fix what you believe to be the source of the tantrum. Ask yourself, Is my child tired? hungry? Getting enough time with me? making enough choices? Having to share too often? Being stopped too often from touching and exploring?

Don’t reason with a toddler. Your child can’t understand adult logic and reasoning, even though your explanations make perfect sense to you. Developmentally, your child is too egocentric to think about your needs and desires and to understand that temper tantrums are embarrassing and disturbing to you.

Do distract often. Always carry stuff in your purse, pockets, the glove compartment, and diaper bag, that you can pull out at any moment to entertain or move your child away from a potential tantrum. As soon as you feel a temper tantrum coming (at home or while out), react quickly by taking out your keys, cell phone, crackers, cookies, juice, a toy, even candy. Point out something of interest, “Look at that silly hat.” “See that bus going by.” Sing a familiar song. Say, “You push the stroller.” “Help me turn the TV on.”

Don’t spank or yell at your toddler during a temper tantrum. Your child may imitate you and hit you or others. Spanking will make the tantrum escalate. Yelling will do the same. Take a deep, slow breath and tell yourself, “I can get through this.” Then calmly, either distract or, if appropriate, make attempts to give in, “You can have a few M&M’s.” “One cookie.” Neither are unreasonable adjustments or responses – even before dinner.

Do understand that “giving in” at times will never damage or spoil your young child. Instead your child will feel a sense of love and care from you. That’s how “giving in” is interpreted by a young child.

Don’t worry about whether your child will take advantage or remember that you gave in; your child reacts differently to each new moment and experience.

Do pay attention to your child’s interests. Allow your child to touch, look at, and explore things of interest, even if only for a few minutes. Under your supervision, allow your child to use the computer, take some food out of the refrigerator, pour the dog food into the bowl, water the plants, turn the light switch on, look around the hardware store, touch hanging belts in a store. Your child will feel a sense of satisfaction and have less tantrums.

Don’t get discouraged. At times, you may have to leave a store or restaurant with your upset chid. Take a brief walk and see if a change of scenery is calming. Otherwise, simply go home, and prepare for a fresh start. Keep reminding yourself that occasional temper tantrums are a normal part of the toddler and early preschool years.

Bottom Line: The way you handle temper tantrums will impact your child’s ability to deal with frustration. Learning to deal with tantrums in a patient, reasonable manner that is respectful to your child’s development, interests, and temperament, is good practice and can pave the way to smoother parenting and a happier, calmer child.

Problem: I have a baby, a toddler and a 5- year-old. All I seem to hear lately are warnings from others, “Don’t keep picking her up, you’ll spoil her.” “If you buy her that, you’ll spoil her.” “He’s acting selfish.” Of course I don’t want to spoil my kids, so how can I avoid the whole spoiling issue as I raise my children?

Insight: Treating kids in “spoiled” ways essentially means indulging, pampering, catering to, pleasing them-exactly how babies need to be treated. So, don’t consider any other way of parenting your baby – just “spoil” away. And, know that your toddler can’t think outside himself (yet) so when he acts in demanding and self-centered ways, he’s not acting “spoiled,” he’s acting NORMAL for a toddler. The balance of setting limits, giving in (or accommodating) and distracting works best for toddlers. Five-year- olds need more limits, more explanations, and good role models.

Strategies: All kids occasionally act in selfish, “spoiled” ways-even at ages 5, 8, 10- and above-making demands without consideration for other people or circumstances. However, “spoiled” kids are the ones who remain almost totally self-centered and focused on their own desires, possessions, and activities. To avoid this, consider these Do’s and Dont”s:

Don’t listen to others who say you can spoil a baby. The truth is you can’t. And, picking up your baby – whether she’s crying or not- won’t spoil her. Rather, it will help her develop a sense of security that will make her less likely to cry in the long run, because babies whose cries bring a helpful response gain a secure feeling that teaches them to trust.

Do know that if you constantly overindulge your children (beyond the baby and toddler years), they will get used to getting their way and learn to feel entitled to do as they wish. This can also happen if you fail to set limits on negative behaviors or fail to follow through when your kids act inappropriately.

Don’t conclude that owning many toys and things will make your children spoiled; kids with lots of possessions can be loving and considerate.

Do understand that if you give without reinforcing good values, you’ll be contributing to your children learning to behave in socially unacceptable ways, expecting more and treating what they have with little meaning.

Don’t make a habit (although sometimes it’s okay) of buying stuff for your kids out of guilt- when you’re not giving the attention your kids need. And don’t rationalize continuous giving: “They’re only kids for a short time.” “Why not? We can afford it.”

Do realize that the danger in continually overindulging your kids is that they may grow up with difficulty handling and tolerating situations that don’t go their way.

Don’t get lax in setting limits on your kids’ negative ways. Limits will help them gradually learn that they can’t always get their way, and to think about others.

Do show casino online by example, how to graciously accept and offer kindness, and how to deal well with disappointment. Your kids will copy your actions-even more than your words.

Don’t neglect to teach your kids (even though this takes time) to appreciate what they have, to respect friends and each other, to act nice, and to consider those more needy than them.

Do know that if your kids grow up with basic and consistent values, they won’t act spoiled no matter how many possessions they have.

Don’t hesitate to look for deeper reasons for your 5-year-old acting in self-centered ways. Are you spending as much time as you should together? Are you available to hear about her needs, ideas, and worries?

Do gradually cut back on buying things if you believe you’re buying too much.

Don’t label your kids “spoiled.” They may act more selfish than you’d like, but they must certainly have good traits that may be overshadowed if you concentrate on one negative characteristic.

Bottom Line: How you treat your kids now, how you show what you value, how you respond to their wants and needs, will have an impact on them for life. You’ve heard my Do’s and Dont”s on spoiling, but most importantly, you truly can’t spoil your kids by indulging them in a lot of this stuff – reading together, learning together, sharing activities, taking walks, sitting on the floor playing, laughing, and simply enjoying each other. Even as your kids grow-indulging them with your love, listening to them and doing things together won’t – ever – spoil them. P.S. Grandparents are supposed to spoil kids, so don’t be hard on them if this is the case. What kids gain from being teated this way is positive, loving memories.

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