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"I Hate You, Mommy!"

Problem: When my 5-year-old daughter gets mad at me, she says, “I hate you, Mommy!” It shocks me when she says this and it hurts my feelings. I also get angry at this kind of outburst, which mostly happens when she doesn’t get her way. I’d like to know if other kids say these hurtful words to their parents and how I should deal with her when she says this to me.

Insight: Think for a moment how often you use the word “hate” in your life – “I hate my hair.” “I hate when it rains.” “I hate when people do that.” “I hate this shirt.” “I hate the way he speaks to me.” While you may not realize it, your child has probably heard the word, “hate” used -by you- quite often. And, since all children are exposed to the word “hate,” they learn; when you don’t like something, or when something doesn’t go your way, you describe your feelings by saying, “I hate….” Should we be so alarmed and surprised by this, since children are natural mimics?

Strategies: If you’re bothered (and understandably so) by hearing the word “hate” used by your daughter, I would first suggest that you take it out of your vocabulary. The less she’s exposed to the word at home, the less she’ll use it. Also, remember that a 5-year-old still has a hard time putting her exact feelings into words. While you may feel betrayed when she turns on you over a disappointment and expresses her anger by saying, “I hate you,” consider the following points:

Do understand that when a young child gets angry with her parents, it’s common for her to shout, “I hate you!” The outburst may come after you say she can’t go outdoors or have a friend over or do something else she wants to do.

Don’t take her words so literally. This kind of expression is short-lived.

Do believe that she doesn’t know how to say, “Mom I think you should allow me to stay up later tonight because…” or, “I’m angry with you because you said…” A 5- year-old is too young for this kind of articulation and even too young to show consistent respect.

Don’t hesitate to offer her other ways to tell you how she feels. Suggest she say, “I’m mad at you,” “I’m angry,” or “I don’t like what you did.” Acknowledge her feelings, but say, “I want you to tell me in different words.”

Do assume that using the word, “hate,” is the beginning of her expression of negative feelings. She needs to learn that feeling upset and angry is okay – so choose your response carefully.

Don’t be quick to respond by saying, “That’s not nice!” or “Don’t let me hear those words again.” Instead, acknowledge her angry feelings, and understand that eventually, with your help and maturity, she’ll learn to state her feelings more appropriately. I promise.

Do expect to feel frustrated when your adult reasoning, logic, and caring fail to keep your child from yelling, “You mean mom!” “I hate you!” Your child’s words can feel threatening, especially if you don’t like your child to be angry with you.

Don’t forget the important role you have in teaching (although it takes time) your daughter to express her anger in acceptable ways.

Do consider this approach: When your daughter says, “I hate you, Mom!” rather than make an issue of it, simply restate her words. Say back to her, “You’re really angry at me aren’t you? You don’t like it when I say it’s time to come in.” If she hears you express her anger in this way, she gradually will begin to use similar statements herself.

Bottom Line: You should take note of your daughter’s keen ability to copy your words and behavior and think about how you speak to her and others (your husband, family members, store clerks, other drivers). What’s your general tone? Do you yell? Are you short-tempered? How do you express disappointment? Do you correct her negative words, and not yours? After careful thought, you might consider changing your ways so that your daughter will have the role model she needs to help her grow into a nice, sensitive and caring person.

Setting limits is hard, frustrating and time-consuming. But, it is an extremely important part of parenting.

Parents who don’t set adequate limits do their children a great disservice. They reinforce unacceptable behaviors because children quickly learn that they can act as they want.

Learning right from wrong is a slow, gradual process.

2 year-olds need constant watching. Distract them when they don’t behave the way you want them to. Saying “no” to issues of safety is the beginning of limit-setting.

3 year-olds have trouble sticking to limits. Stay close by, offer frequent reminders and get involved with your child. When your child acts inappropriately, remove her from the situation and involve her in something else that will foster positive behavior.

Most children under 5 are motivated to change their behavior “because mommy said” or when warned by a punishment, not because they understand how their negative behavior impacts others.

So, the motivation not to hit their brother comes from wanting to watch TV, play outside or use the computer – not from thinking about someone else’s feelings. That’s okay!

Sometimes connect a restriction to an activity, “If you want to ride your bike, you have to stay in front of the house,” or “If you want to play outside, you have to keep your jacket on.” Follow-through.

Time-outs sometimes work. If you use “time-out,” tell your child she can get off the step or chair when she’s ready to play nicely. “Time-out” should only last as long as is necessary for him to calm down and change his behavior.

It’s also okay to firmly say, “You may not do that!”

Being nice and kind is a quality that requires intentional action. Showing kindness is good for our physical and our emotional well-being. Kindness can reduce stress and anxiety.

Observing or practicing a nice act stimulates the vagus nerve, which literally warms up the heart. There are suggestions in scientific journals of the link between compassion and activity of the vagus nerve, a pathway that goes from our brain to our abdomen.

Helping others releases endorphins, the chemicals that produce the feelings of exhilaration known as the “runner’s high.”

Being kind and nice triggers the reward system in our brain and helps to release serotonin, the chemical that creates a feeling of satisfaction. Kindness also releases dopamine, the hormone that is associated with positive emotions.

Acts of kindness, according to researcher Paul Persall, causes our brain to release “Substance P,” a neurotransmitter chemical that blocks pain.”

The more children practice being nice to others, the better they get at it. When children practice kindness, they train their brains to get better at it. With the help of parents, teachers and others, children can learn to be mindfully aware to be nice.

When things don’t go the way you want them to, take a breath, observe what’s happening in and around you and practice responding in a nice way rather than reacting.

Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of “The Power of Intention,” says, “When we do acts of kindness for others it stimulates the production of serotonin in both the recipient of the kindness and the person extending the kindness. Even more amazing is that persons observing the act of kindness have similar beneficial results. Imagine this! Kindness extended, received or observed beneficially impacts the physical health and feelings of everyone involved.”

After a few intentional acts of being nice, the brain begins to understand that you now want to think about these better feelings and thoughts.

We get to choose how we want to be in the world.

Let’s practice being nice.

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