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Problem: My husband and I often argue in front of our kids. When an issue comes up we bicker with each other without giving thought to whether our kids are listening or not. I’m not sure if we’re harming them or if we’re helping them by exposing them to the fact that sometimes couples disagree with each other. The problem is, our kids really don’t like when we argue in front of them and they always tell us, “Stop yelling at each other.” What’s your advice?

Insight: You’re getting a strong message from your kids that needs to be examined. While at times, all children are going to be exposed to parental arguments, it’s important to consider how children take this in. Most (if not all) children don’t like to hear their parents’ arguments. Arguing in front of kids, frightens them; “Are you getting a divorce?” It causes them to take sides; “Stop telling Dad what to do all the time.” And,they may blame themselves for your quarrels; “If only I would listen more, they wouldn’t fight as much.”

Strategies: While you cannot expect arguments and disagreements not to happen, consider these points next time you feel the urge to expose your kids to you and your husband’s differences and conflicts.

Do remember that being a kid is not as easy as it may seem. There are pressures (“Will I pass this test?”), struggles (“Do I fit in?”), frustrations (“I wish I had an easier time in math.”), and worries (“Will I make the team?”). Exposing your kids to your arguments puts additional stress on them.

Don’t expect your children to fully concentrate on their schoolwork and other activities when they’re worried about whether you and your husband will stay together.

Do be aware of signs of stress your kids may be experiencing as a result of this exposure; i.e., eating and sleep changes, anxiety, stomach aches, behavior problems.

Don’t feel that you can’t disagree in front of your children. Disagreements and conflicts are a natural part of any close relationship. Just be mindful of your tone and choice of words.

Do know that it is okay for your kids to hear you express and then resolve your struggles – occasionally.

Don’t think that by exposing your kids to your arguments, they’ll learn conflict resolution skills. It doesn’t work that way. Their fears of you separating or getting a divorce hinder positive conflict management learning skills.

Do offer (honest) reassurance if your kids hear you fight: “Even though Dad and I argue, we still love each other very much.” “I know it’s hard for you to hear Dad and me fight. We’re trying not to disagree so much.”

Don’t overlook the fact that you and your husband are role models for your children. Every day, you show your kids how adults and couples behave. When you and your husband get along in harmoniously ways, your entire family will benefit.

Do know that if you and your husband don’t treat each other with respect-and instead yell, offend each other, and argue constantly, your children may eventually have trouble with their own intimate relationships.

Don’t forget your children will never benefit by being within earshot of your arguments. They also don’t get used to hearing it.

Do put effort into helping your children learn how to resolve differences and manage their anger. Offer productive conflict resolution techniques (talk it out, use humor, compromise, role play, listen well) when they’re in conflict with each other, their friends, and with you and your husband.

Don’t make comments that trigger you and your husband’s anger and argumentative behavior. Talk with each other about making the effort to avoid squabbles. Control your accusations and unkind words. Don’t insult each other. Get professional counseling if arguments continue.

Bottom Line: Just wondering. Are your kids imitating you and your husband’s argumentative behavior now? Do they treat each other and their friends with frequent blaming and discord? Do you demand, “Don’t treat your brother that way. That’s not nice!” “Don’t talk to your sister like that.” While I would suggest that you continue to guide your children to treat each other with respect and kindness, I would also suggest that you do the same with your spouse. Your kids deserve this.

Problem: My 10 year old son is a poor sport when he loses at soccer or tennis, his two favorite sports. After losing a game or tennis match, he yells at his teammates, throws his racket on the ground and pouts for hours. My husband and I want to help him learn good sportsmanship before he gets any older. Please give us some tips.

No parent should allow their 10 year old child to act out in these ways. This issue must be addressed rigorously, with you and your husband enforcing and expecting good sportsmanship from your son, at all times.

Good sportsmanship is necessary to confront because throughout life children of all ages have to learn to accept and tolerate losing—a job – a game – a non-passing grade on a paper – someone doing better than them — making more money–having more things. Sportsmanship lessons and strategies learned during childhood will provide children with the tools they need to deal with life’s challenges.

All parents want their child to try his best in every situation, never give up, practice hard, and accept any outcome with grace. Parents have a strong stake in their child’s sense of sportsmanship. They believe their child’s behavior reflects on them, and if he’s a poor sport, they’re not only disappointed and angry, but embarrassed.

Strategies: Learning good sportsmanship habits at a young age is essential and a 10 year old is old enough to be aware of his poor sportsmanship – and to change his ways. Try these tips and keep your message firm and consistent:

Do understand that most poor sports are aware of being out of control and would like to change their behavior. They just don’t always know how to handle difficult situations. Kids need help, support and guidance from their parents when they make a mistake or lose a competition. “I know it’s hard when you’ve lost a match, but you need to control your anger.”

Don’t underestimate the connection between poor sportsmanship and low self-esteem. A child who lacks confidence and feels inferior when he loses, may need his self-worth pumped up. Think of ways to increase his sense of competency so that he doesn’t take losing so hard. Spend more time with him, have fun together, encourage him in all his school work and activities.

Do set firm limits on your child’s displays of poor sportsmanship. “ You may not demean or criticize another athlete or coach.” If he insults someone, have him apologize and talk to him about manners and respect. Discuss how other people – friends, famous competitors, acquaintances – react to success and adversity. Let him know that it’s also important to be a good winner, one who is gracious rather than cocky.

Don’t over emphasize winning or say, “I hope you beat this kid because I hate the way he plays and I can’t stand his father.” And don’t let your child think that you’re impossible to please: “You’re not trying hard enough.” “Too bad you came in second.”

Do talk to coaches about helping your child become a better sport. Suggest they hold a team meeting on the values and characteristics of good sportsmanship. Look for books or articles on the subject to share with your child. Make sure your child doesn’t have unreasonable expectations for himself.

Don’t forget to remind him about his behavior before he enters a competition: “You look better when you show control.” “Have fun.” “No yelling or cursing.” Remind him of consequences: “If you can’t control your emotions, you’re tennis racquet will be taken away.”

Do praise signs of good sportsmanship. “You really handled yourself well after losing.” Genuinely say, “Good try.” “You played well.” At times, reward him with a pack of baseball cards, a note, or a treat.

Bottom Line: Defeat and mistakes in life are inevitable. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to teach your child how you expect him to handle himself when he loses, not only in sports, but in life — a school election, a starring role in a play, being first in line, getting his art displayed. Don’t forget: children learn best by example. Therefore, be mindful of how you react when things don’t go your way at work, at home, on the road, during leisure time, when your child loses. And, don’t let the act of winning or losing affect your love and acceptance of your child in any way – ever!

Problem: We have 4 kids between the ages of 4 and 16. Giving them a confidence boost has been a challenge. They are all fairly sensitive, so I try to choose my words carefully. I’d like some suggestions on helping my kids gain more confidence and in general, feel better about themselves.

Insight: You bring up one of the most important tasks for parents – consistently letting their kids know that they are capable, loved, and worthy of attention. Since your kids’ self-esteem is based largely on your feedback; if you show you value them, they will generally feel good about themselves. However, if you concentrate on their faults (which is so easy to do) they will develop a poor self-image.

Strategies: Helping your kids gain self-confidence is something you can accomplish. The more confident your children become, the happier and emotionally healthier they’ll be. With patience, thoughtfulness, perseverance – and these “Do’s” and “Don’ts” – your kids will grow into confident adults.

Do- know that encouraging self-confidence is a continuous process that requires you to repeatedly tell – and show -your children that you appreciate and cherish them.

Don’t- neglect to give verbal rewards. Praise (in a genuine way) their accomplishments. Point out their talents and endearing traits – often! Talk about their capabilities and successes. Minimize their shortcomings.

Do- understand that the closer your kids are to adolescence, the more moments they will have of fleeting self-doubt. This is, in part, due to adolescence being a very self-conscious stage.

Don’t- express your frustration and disappointment by speaking harshly: “You’re such a slob.” “Why can’t you be like your sister?” “What’s wrong with you?” Why don’t you speak up?” “You’ll never get to college at this rate.” These statements will only contribute to your kids believing they can never please you, be good enough or live up to your standards.

Do- consider that a poor self-image is hard to hide. Kids are good at putting themselves down: “I can’t.” “I’m no good.” ” I’m the worst on the team.” You can also tell a lot from body language, especially when kids don’t make eye contact or carry themselves in anxious and overly self-conscious ways.

Don’t- underestimate the power of encouragement. Offer a lot of support when your kids take (positive) risks – trying out for a school play, a team, or reaching out to help a neighbor. Help them find activities they can succeed in. Encourage them to pursue their goals and special interests – whether in computers, music, art, dance. Involve them in community service; they’ll feel good about helping others.

Do- discuss issues that may contribute to a lack of confidence: “Would being taller really make you a better person?” “What’s wrong with being shy?”

Don’t- forget the importance of helping your kids feel better about their abilities as students. Help them with difficult lessons and assignments and consider hiring a tutor if you think it would help. Teach them that skills can be developed, that persistence pays off, and if they work hard, they can have control over their successes in live.

Do- think about your own upbringing. Some parents who speak negatively to their kids were criticized as children and may have grown up with a lack of confidence. Even though they once struggled against harsh words and treatment, they repeat the pattern with their own children. Are you doing this?

Don’t- hesitate to get help from their school counselor or a therapist if your kids show signs of struggling with friendships, competing excessively with their peers or siblings, misbehave and don’t work up to their ability in school.

Do- teach your kids coping skills and problem solving techniques they can use during times of failure and disappointment. Teach them that frustration can be worked through. Inspire them so they can see the bigger picture with a sense of optimism.

Bottom Line: It always happens. Once you start treating your kids in positive ways, their behavior and attitudes change. As they begin to feel better about themselves, you will notice them treating their friends – and even you – in nicer ways. In all areas of their lives, improved confidence and self-esteem will help your kids feel happier, more satisfied, and more successful. What other motivation do you need to go forward with these “Do’s” and “Don’ts?” Your efforts will pay off. Don’t waste time. Start, NOW!

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