I Want My Kids to Get Along With Each Other

You really can take steps to stop the day-to-day struggles between your kids. The key is – you really have to get involved. Most importantly, don’t ignore your kid’s fighting and bickering. Instead, clearly let your kids know your expectations, “Let Molly know you’re mad without hitting her.” “If you don’t like what your brother is doing, come tell me and we’ll work it out together.” “You have to include your sister.”

If you don’t set limits when your kids are bickering, they will believe you accept their negative behavior, and then it’s more likely to continue.

Above all, to eliminate the rivalry, treat your kids fairly. If you tend to reward one of your kids and blame the other, re-evaluate and re-think your approach. When you’re fair and generous with your praise – “Thank you for sharing with your sister,” or “I’m glad you let Alex play with you” – your kids will feel better about themselves and be less likely to argue.

Whenever sibling rivalry moves beyond a few words spoken in haste, step in, set limits, and help your kids resolve their differences.

Ultimately your actions shape the relationship your kids have with each other!

To Bribe or Not to Bribe

Problem: I definitely bribe my 5 year old with a treat or privilege when I want her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I do this because I get tired of arguing and repeating myself when she won’t listen. Bribing makes my life easier, my daughter happier and in general, we struggle less. Your thoughts on bribing? Is it okay?

Insight: Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just say to your daughter, “It’s time to go home now,” or “Please pick up your toys before we leave….,” without resistance? And, wouldn’t it be great if reasoning with your 5 year old consistently worked, “We have to get to school on time, so you must get dressed now.” While you may have periodic success with these approaches, it can also be terribly frustrating when you can’t get your daughter to do what you’ve asked of her. Here’s where bribes enter into parenting.

To offer you some comfort, it may help to understand that 5 year olds are still too egocentric (thinking about their own needs and wants) to consistently respond to others’ (including their parents) requests. And, since 5 year olds don’t reason logically, your explanations of, “You need to….because….” won’t get your daughter moving as you would like – unless of course, it’s about her pleasure, “You need to…so you can get to the pool, candy, that toy you want.”

Strategies: Most parents are opposed to bribing because they worry their child won’t learn to do necessary tasks or generally comply, without some sort of prize, treat or perk. Since there are always family struggles about the routines and necessities of life: bedtime, bathtime, shopping, leaving a friends house, getting ready for school or day care; when logic fails (as it will) and your daughter refuses to do what you wish, think about the issue of bribing in the following ways:

Do understand that until your daughter is mature enough to motivate herself to do things she doesn’t want to do, bribery is a strong motivator.

Don’t forget that it takes years for children to learn self-control and to understand that certain things have to be done, even when people don’t want to do them. Eventually, your daughter will learn to cooperate and tolerate not getting her way, without being rewarded.

Do consider bribes that have a benefit you’re comfortable with; “Let’s go in and I’ll play a game with you,” “If you come home now, you can paint with watercolors after dinner.” “Let’s see what new things we can find to add to the bath water.” There’s no harm in offering any one of these bribes.

Don’t neglect, at times, to change your expectations. Help more, and be sympathetic to the fact that developmentally, your daughter thinks completely differently from the way you do. She will internalize rewards you give as a sign of your love and care – and that good feeling will help her learn to behave well.

Don’t worry that once you offer a bribe in a situation, your daughter will expect one whenever a similar situation comes up. While this is a common concern, it’s actually rarely a problem. Your daughter, at age 5, can accept compromise and a degree of inconsistency.

Do at times, let her know ahead of time, “Last time I bought you gum, but today I’m not buying a treat.” When you get to the store, offer a reminder and then a distraction, “I like to bring you to the store so you can help pick out food for dinner.”

Don’t hesitate to use bribes to avoid embarrassment. And, when you go shopping, or on errands with your daughter, a cookie or ice cream can make the trip go smoothly.

Do think about how hard it is for your daughter to stop what she’s doing for your needs, especially when she’s engrossed in something of interest to her. It’s like someone stopping you while you’re in the middle of making a cake.

Don’t forget that cooperation often happens when there are occasional rewards and compromises. Most parents don’t over use bribes.

Do consider your daughter’s overall behavior. Is she generally well behaved (in a 5 year old way)? Are you spending enough playful, engaging time with her? Does she have enough time to play and create and finish what she started? Is she on a tight schedule? Do you demand too much from her? These factors impact a child’s cooperative spirit.

Bottom Line: Don’t take this issue too seriously. Bribing is simply a developmental necessity during a child’s younger -pre-reasoning and pre-logical – years. Even as adults we’re often more motivated, and do what we need to do, when there’s a reward to look forward to, i.e., a paycheck, kudos, a bonus, or simply a show of appreciation. To view bribing your daughter in a positive way, simply think of “bribes” as “incentives.” Then, go forward and-cheerfully, playfully and lovingly- offer her, incentives! I hope that helps you feel better.

Sharing

Problem: My kids are 2 and 3 and the last thing they care about is sharing with each other or with their friends. My husband and I emphasize the importance of sharing and repeatedly say to them: “It’s nice to share. Everybody shares.” However, getting them to share continues to be a struggle. Should we be handling this differently?

Insight: This is absolutely one of the most common complaints parents of young children have – sharing. It may help to understand that children, between the ages of 2 and 3, don’t share well for developmental reasons – not because of bad or weak parenting. Young children are much too egocentric to care about how others feel and they are too young to understand the benefits of sharing.

Strategies: Since there are no magical or quick fixes to this problem, consider these important points before becoming too frustrated and discouraged.

Do consider that to young children sharing feels, as if, their toys no longer belong to them. Using logic to explain that this is not the case, won’t work because young children don’t understand adult reasoning.

Don’t (even though tempting) say, “How would you feel if your friends didn’t share with you?” The question doesn’t make sense to young children and it won’t change their behavior. Young children can’t put themselves in the position of someone else – yet.

Do understand that a lack of concern for another’s feelings, wants and needs may be difficult for you to accept because your adult way of thinking is so different from your child’s.

Don’t use negative approaches to teach sharing. If you grab from your children, they will learn to grab from each other. If you use a harsh tone, they will do the same with others.

Do know that sharing is easier if children play outside, if they play at a friend’s house rather than at their own house, or if they’re involved in something together, such as coloring, using play dough or painting.

Don’t neglect to set clear and simple limits. “You may not take the toy from your sister.” “No hitting.” “He’s using that now. You may use it when he’s finished.” Then add a distraction, “Let’s read this book.”

Do model the behavior you want your children to adopt. If you’re giving, show kindness and share courteously, your children will eventually copy you. Children learn more from parents’ examples than from their admonitions.

Don’t blame yourself or have negative feelings about your children, considering them to be bad or selfish when they resist sharing. And, don’t feel you have to force sharing, especially around others. That approach usually causes a frustrating (and embarrassing) outburst.

Do try preparing (although this may not work) your children when a friend is coming to visit, “Abby is going to want to play with your blocks, your puzzles, and the sliding board when she comes to visit.” Sharing struggles may be diminished by supervising closely.

Don’t always put time limits on taking turns. Young children need many experiences finishing what they start. Being asked to stop playing with something when they’re involved is very frustrating, similar to an adult being asked to stop while in the middle of an activity their involved in; i.e., baking a cake.

Do show a constant willingness to be involved with your children. The more you’re engaged with them, playing with them and nurturing their interests, the less conflicts they’ll have over sharing. This is also the case when your adult friends visit with their children.

Don’t fret. By the time your children are 4 and 5, you’ll notice a general change is their attitude toward sharing. You’ll here them say, “Here, you use this.” “Let’s both play with these.” And by ages 5 and 6, they will begin to place more value on friendship, showing even more of a willingness and interest in sharing.

Bottom Line: All parents want their children to grow into kind, sharing, well-mannered people. However, learning to give of oneself takes time – actually years. How you respond to sharing struggles will ultimately impact how your children will learn to treat others. Handling these moments with sensitivity and reasonable expectations will help them learn to behave in thoughtful and considerate ways. So, don’t yell, don’t demean them, and please don’t expect your children to act in ways that are beyond their developmental years.