Sometimes a Little Change of Thought is Helpful as You go About Being the Best Parent You Can Be

You can learn a great deal about your child’s interests and abilities by watching him/her participate in activities.

When your child says, “Watch me!” s/he wants your positive attention and approval.

When your child hears you speaking politely to her and to other children and adults, she/he will begin to do as you do.

If your child constantly gets her way, he/she will gradually learn to feel entitled to do as he/she wishes.

Children are natural mimics. Watch what you say and do.

Most young children need constant reminders.

The tone you set in the morning is what your child will take with him/her as he/she starts the day.

If you change your expectations, you may realize that your child is simply acting as most young children do.

Help your child get ready in the morning in a loving, fun, and calm way.

It’s important for you and your children to start the day on a positive note.

Most phases children go through are easier to handle with a little patience and understanding.

Becoming a more patient parent takes purposeful effort and may require a change in attitude, priorities, or behavior.

The way parents treat their children has a major impact on their development of personality, interests, and abilities.

Despite differences in age, interests, personality, and skills, each of your children needs to feel special and important.

All children have a strong drive to be independent and imitate older people.

Setting limits and disciplining children is an extremely important part of parenting. And, it is important to understand that learning right from wrong is a gradual process. In general, children six and under are motivated to change their behavior “because mommy said” or when a punishment or privilege is mentioned, not because they understand how their negative behavior impacts others.

Children sometimes struggle as they grow, and for every step forward, there’s sometimes a short step backward to earlier behavior.

It’s So Hard Losing a Pet: Tips on What to Say to Kids

Pets are loving members of our families. The meaning and connection pets have in our lives, and in the lives of our children, is very powerful.

When kids fall in love with their pets, their expression of their love is shown through their playfulness, cuddling, training, teaching them tricks, giving treats-even building a “house” for them or inviting them into their fort. Feeding, walking, cleaning cages and of course, visits to the vet are the responsibility-often accompanied by kids- of parents.

Pets show their love and attachment by following their family around and being in the same room, on the sofa, by their chair at the kitchen table, in their beds.

A child can turn to their pet and share feelings and frustrations, “Mommy won’t let me go outside!” Pets have a way of being there and are always ready to receive love and attention.

While the bond between a child and her pet is strong, sometimes a child’s feelings don’t fully show up until their pet becomes ill or when their pet dies.

The death of a pet is a common experience for children – fish, hamsters, lizards, birds, gerbils, dogs and cats. And, knowing what to say to your child can be really challenging. It’s natural and okay to feel uncomfortable talking about death.

Truthful and basic information is often a helpful place to start. Try to modify your answers and discussions to the level you think your children will understand. It may begin with heartbreaking words, “We have sad news today. Coco died.” When your explanations come from a heartfelt, comforting place, what you decide to tell your children is okay. You can include your religious beliefs and/or spiritual and philosophical beliefs in what you tell your child: “Coco is in heaven/doggie heaven;” “We will never forget her.” “She was too sick to keep living;” ” I’m glad you said good-bye to her;” “We won’t see her again, but we will always love Coco because love never dies.”

You will also communicate a lot to your children without words; children feel the emptiness in their home after their pet dies.

Two and 3-year-olds are too young for any in-depth discussion, so it’s best to keep answers and explanations simple. “We are sad because Apollo died today.” A young child will notice and feel their missing pet, but will likely respond more to how your sadness shows up. If you are too upset to give your usual attention to your child, he will feel that. Try to manage your feelings and keep your routine – for yourself and your child.

Four and 5-year-olds understand more about death and may have a lot of questions that can be challenging to answer. When asked, “Where’s Bella?” you may need to remind your child, “Bella died, so she’s not here anymore.” Young children don’t understand the permanence of death, so they may continue to wonder and ask until they adjust, “Where’s Bella?” “When will we see her again?” Young children learn through repetition-even though that can be painful. “Bella died, so she won’t live in our house anymore.”

Six and 7-year-olds will be helped by the same explanations as younger children, along with writing a story about their pet, making a scrapbook of pictures, telling funny stories, creating a memory box.

Expect questions from 6 and 7-year-olds that are also hard to answer. “Why couldn’t the doctor make him better?” “Where did she go?” Depending on what happened to your pet, answers will vary: “Dogs and cats get older faster than people, so 14 years is a long time for them to live.” “Moby died peacefully.” “I’m glad we could say goodbye to him.” “We took really good care of Fluffy. That’s how long hamsters live.”

Eight and 9-year-olds will naturally have questions, but they will also have ways to comfort themselves-talking to a friend, their teacher or another relative. You might also help your child heal by creating a memorial, planting flowers, a bush or a tree in memory and honor of the family pet. They may share funny stories – probably a lot of cute stories.

A 10-year-old can begin to understand, “putting a dog to sleep.” “When the doctor ‘put Sophie to sleep’ it means she helped her die without being in pain and we did that so that she wouldn’t be too sick.” “Veterinarians are specially trained to know when a dog or cat is too sick to keep living.” “Dogs and cats can’t talk so we have to watch their behavior and how they act to know when they are sick.”

If you bury your pet, your child may want to be part of the burial. Tell your child that burying pets is how people honor their pets when they die. Have flowers to plant next to the grave and share a loving story about your pet. Say how much she loved your family and that you will always love her and won’t forget her.

Sing a song, say a prayer and share what you will miss about your pet. Show gratitude, “We are so happy you were part of our lives.”

If you think you can explain that you are having your pet cremated, make sure you believe your child can handle the explanation. Be mindful of how you explain and talk about this. “Lucy went to a crematory. People who cremate pets understand how much their families love them. We won’t see her again because they take special care to put her remains in an urn.” Also, think carefully about whether you want to have the urn in your home, especially if you think it would be upsetting and not understood by your kids.

Truthfully, it is okay to talk about getting another pet, especially if your child brings it up. That wish, question and discussion may come up soon after your pet dies. It’s a way for kids to move their healing forward and put their painful feelings in a more positive and hopeful place. While you may not be ready to get another pet, you can still let your kids talk about it. You can even ask them some engaging questions, “What kind of pet would you want?” “Would it be big or little?”

And, you can still say, “It’s good to talk about getting a new dog/cat/hamster, so we will know what to get when we are ready.”

“Loss takes time to understand.” - Fred Rogers

If I Get Divorced, Will My Kids Adjust?

Problem: Sadly, my husband and I are probably going to get divorced. However, we both have some hesitation because we don’t want our kids, ages 6, 8 and 11, to be unhappy or to suffer if we end up divorced. What can you tell us about how divorce will affect our kids and how to help them through it?

Do you really think it’s possible to get a divorce and have your children not suffer? Divorce is terribly difficult for all children. While you might not be able to save your marriage (although you should put a lot of effort into trying), if you opt to divorce, you must consistently plug away at helping your children get through their difficult times. In the meantime, you are certainly doing the right thing by giving thought to how divorce will impact your kids.

Although I don’t know the reasons why you’re thinking of getting a divorce, generally couples are not willing to sacrifice their happiness and needs for the sake of their children. Even with debates and controversy over whether couples should stay together for their children, it’s important to consider that kids all of ages benefit from a stable family, with loving, dedicated and involved parents.

Strategies: Please don’t take offense to hearing difficulties children experience as a result of divorce, including, embarrassment, guilt, worry, anger , betrayal and fear. I will offer some suggestions and pointers, but keep in mind, there are no magical answers as to how to make a divorce easy or free of pain for children.

Do keep your problems to yourselves–always. Support each other when you speak to your children. Get along in front of your children, even when it takes great restraint and willpower. Spend time with your kids–both of you. Even in divorce you teach your children about getting along, relationships, and the importance of parenting.

Don’t hesitate to get into therapy. Both of you, for the sake of your kids, should go to counseling. Consider individual sessions for your children. Remind your children that your divorce was not caused by them in any way.

Do make sure that you tune into your kids feelings of sadness and loss. Understand their wish for you to stay together. Divorce can be such a strain on both of you, that you can easily (unintentionally) neglect to show concern for your children’s feelings and needs.

Don’t expect your kids to accept having their lives, including their interests, activities, and times with friends, disrupted because of your needs. Make sure arrangements are not made for you and your husband’s convenience. Consider your children’s input and feelings when discussing changes they may have to adjust to.

Do understand that kids are not as resilient as you may be led to think. It helps to create an atmosphere in your home where your children learn that they can talk when they need and want to about their thoughts and feelings. If any of your children act as though everything is fine, they are simply keeping their anxious feelings inside.

Don’t be blind to changes in your kids behaviors. They may all carry the belief that they are partly responsible for your divorce. Your 6 year old may become clingy, worrying that if one parent can leave, what’s to hold the other back from leaving. The 8 year old may fall behind in school or wonder if her activities will be interrupted, and your 11 year old may wish to spend more time with friends as a way of escaping the way she feels at home and avoiding feelings of loneliness.

Do look at the long-term impact. Due to the difficulties kids experience as a result of divorce, they may hesitate, when older, to get into a committed relationship; they are often fearful of marriage. They worry about the possibility of divorce happening to them and putting their children through what they experienced.

Bottom Line: While some divorces are certainly necessary, generally children endure way too much as a result of their parents being unable to work differences and unhappiness out within their marriages. Children should be able to go through their lives focusing on their own growth, learning, and interests, and not be bogged down with issues and worries including: Will both parents be at my birthday parties? soccer games? graduation? And who will walk me down the isle when I get married? What about my grandparents? Will my parents remarry…. So, go forward and make this decision very, very, carefully.